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A humorous take on the parenting of a wild child

Dirty Thirty: Part V (A Good Day in LA)

By Carri · October 27, 2010 · 0 Comments ·

I told the doctor I was going to have him quickly.

My mom had me in two hours and my brother in one. Her doctor told her that if she got pregnant again, she'd better live in a Winnebago in the hospital parking lot. When I told my doctor this, she wasn't impressed. Maybe it wasn't that, actually; it was more along the lines of disbelief. Women NEVER have their first baby that quickly. Never ever in the history of man. And I wasn't going to be the first.

So there I was, in the delivery room, dilated to a six and not in labor. No water breaking in the mall. No 80 year old woman holding my hand in an ambulance. No giving birth on the freeway because the traffic here sucks. There we sat, watching the lines on the monitor show no progress.

The nurses had a new attitude now that I was actually admitted in the hospital and having a baby today, just like I had told them thirty minutes before. One of them came in and turned on the TV that was on the other side of the big, brand new room. She asked if the news was OK, and it was. Why the heck not. Maybe watching that super annoying Jillian Reynolds on Good Day LA would send my body into convulsions and cause the baby to have no choice but to quickly exit.

Who is more annoying than Jillian Reynolds? Well, that would be Octomom. And I was destined to watch news reporters camp outside a tiny house on a little street in LA someplace because some stupid woman gave birth to eight kids the week prior. Actually, she wasn't known as "Octomom" because Harvey over at TMZ hadn't yet coined the nickname, but that wasn't the point. The point was that this was defiantly more annoying than anything on Good Day LA because this was Good Day LA reporting on some stupid woman who gave birth to a litter of children.

It was around 10:30am when the anesthesiologist wandered in and asked when I wanted my epidural. I didn't. I was hell bent on getting one before that moment but Octomom was distracting me from whatever pain I was feeling, which wasn't much. She gave me a second chance to say yes before muttering, "Alright" and leaving the room.

Something else annoying: My doctor wasn't working at the hospital that day. I found this out when a midwife came bouncing in the room to tell me (in her super happy and super irritating voice) that this was taking too long and she was going to break my water. I was close to a 10 but really wasn't in a regular labor and it didn't seem like it was going to start. I was just thankful it was almost over. When she broke my water, she told me that it will probably be a couple of hours. "Today is your baby's birthday!"

The time was 11am.

We sat and watched more TV; Good Day LA was over and now it was on to reruns of COPS (I'm pretty sure it was COPS...). It wasn't long before I had that feeling. I had to push. My body was telling me to PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH!!! I told Ken to hurry up and get the nurse. I was ready to push!!!! He ran out the door and came back soon after with the nurse tailing. "So, you think you need to push?" That's what she said. Seriously. YES I NEED TO PUSH STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWWWWWWW!

She was so nonchalant but changed quickly when she lifted up the sheet. Her eyes widened and said she'd be right back, and ran off. Why was she leaving?! I needed to push!! Why did she just run off like that?!?! All of a sudden, what seemed like a flood of people came in the room. I didn't feel pain. I just did what they told and pushed.

Blake Allan Brown was born at 11:32am on Tuesday, February 3rd of 2009. That's right... Thirty two minutes. BOOM.

Dirty Thirty: Part VI coming soon

posted by

Wow and I thought my three hour first delivery was fast! Same thing about being dilated to 6 with no pain, though. I didn't even know I was dilating until my dr sent me to the hospital.

posted by

We got lucky! I've heard horror stories from some of my closest friends and I feel so bad for them. I'll take the puking every day for 40 weeks over almost dying in a delivery room any day.

posted by Anonymous

"that super annoying Jillian Reynolds"

AMEN! Seriously, how does that woman have a career at all, much less one that's become national? They can't claim hotness, at every sports gathering where she appears on screen, the guys are the ones yelling to change the channel before their retinas burn.

posted by

Poor Steve Edwards. He tries so hard to make their show respectable, but those two broads are always bringing him back down. I'm surprised he hasn't knocked them both out!

posted by

I only had to push for 10 minutes,when I had my baby.

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